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How Parenting a Child with ADHD Can Take a Toll on You

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2019 ADHD Palooza featuring Terry Matien, ACSW

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welcome to the 2nd Annual ADHD parents Palooza 30 renowned expert 5 good day charge by the AT&T network by impact ADHD started on with the show everybody welcome back to the ADHD parents palooza I'm so thrilled that you're joining us because my guess is that a lot of people secretly feel like they really need to hear this but they might want to do it you know privately depends how I'm trying to be me we're going to have him check them out when pretty soon but I'm Linda roggli and I'm so glad turn back once you because I am the co-founder with Terry of the ADHD women's Blazer and I am also the co-founder with Elaine get across and down dumpster of the ADHD parents photos on a very proud to be associated with all three of these amazing women in my other life I am the founder of the 80 TV network which supports ADHD women who are 40 and better and I do that to retreats in coaching in and other cool stuff online so join me if you are in that free perimenopausal State because a lot of us find out then that we have ADHD it was there all along. I could have had a V-8 however I am joined by a zine previously Elaine taylor-klaus would you be willing to introduce yourself to the guy I feel I'm honored here in the presence of greatness between these two YouTube mavens in the women's world I mean land taylor-klaus AMD co-founder with of impact ADHD, your online resource for parenting books kids if we are providing support parenting coaching guidance training a lot of training two parents of kids with ADHD plus plus kids with ADD and anxiety and to really teach you how to take a coach approach to raising complex kids I-96 to SSA truly to be with with batarian London today cuz cuz really those of you who are new to the 80d world don't know that that Terry and Linda are really are really the change makers of the in this conversation for just a little while not too long for women with add to talk about what it's like for us as well and how it's different because we were missed for a long time and these two women are the voices of pathetic really change that so Terry I'm thrilled to have you here and I can't wait to talk about our topic today but Linda Spencer housekeeping first if you are let's remind you a couple of a couple of things my guess is that you've already experienced a couple of these sessions and you find me of heard this before but don't forget that you can hear this session and any of the sessions for today for 24 hours for your until midnight tomorrow night whatever that is in your timezone it is absolutely free and I really encourage you to share this information you can get that you can get those links will send you an email at the end of the day with all the links but you also can just go back to palooza Central I need to go back to this exact page where you found us you can cry I think there's something around here that you can find that out around here around the around us but let's face it were all busy so you may not be able to get back to it today and they are too busy to come back if you miss the replay window which is likely to happen just being honest you can you can purchase the entire Encore package and with that for about half price this week with that you will get not only these videos all xxx videos but you also get audio version so you can sort of treated like a podcast and and you're also for the first time this year getting transcripts so that you'll be able to read the the stories in the end. All of this pre and post in stuff but but the actual content of the interviews with all of these amazing experts so for less than a hundred bucks for this week only you can really take this content and have it as yours forever to digest over the over guess what I am doing this for several years I often have people we come up to another palooza and it reminds people I bought last year but I can't find my password can you send it to me you're not alone if you just got to put this on the back burner Nation I think it's what they call back anyway let us introduce my dear friend so I'm going to read it because I love her so much but I know forgets the important so let me just read it to you this is Terry matlen she is an lmsw nacsw she specializes in women with ADHD she's written a couple of wonderful books award-winning books the queen of distraction and survival tips for women with ADHD her one of her website is a TD consults. Calm it's an online resource serving adults worldwide with ADHD and www Queen of distraction Queens plural of distraction that's a coaching program for women as I mentioned before she's nationally recognized by everyone as being just like the Primo person to talk about women's ADHD she speaks on it everywhere and she's bird on the boards up I've added she's in need it pass coordinator of the East Oakland County Chad chapter in Michigan she's been interviewed by so many people in PR The Wall Street Journal Time Magazine all kinds of places that no why did you want to tap into her wisdom and so you can reach her and will mention this again at the end but what you can reach her at Cherry at add consults again plural. Com we are so thrilled to have you back welcome back my friend thank you ladies for inviting me it's always a pleasure so let's jump in because the title of your presentation the time of our conversation is PTSD parenting a child with ADHD can take a toll on you would be that bad is it really PTSD so what what do parents experience differently with kids with ADHD let's talk about that we are about PTSD and is it true parents can experience. O matic stress disorder by having rabies or raising a child with special needs or ADHD and Elaine apparently is instead of right on with with talking about well yeah I think that that can be part picture for a parent let's talk a little bit about post-traumatic stress disorder that in the old days which wasn't very long ago we would talk about veterans who were experienced experiencing is in battle or people who have witnessed or been in a terrible car accident very tragic, inexperienced not everybody though don't suppose traumatic stress disorder from those kinds of things PTSD which expresses itself with nightmares traumatic memories of the incidence of anxiety depression and that can lead into things like substance abuse and such severe depression that we do Seattle High rate of suicide these people. The question is due to parasites with developers by raising a child with with severe changes I'm not quite sure maybe I think you're more on the PTSD how to say in my title but it is so dramatically difficult for many parents to take care of children with ADHD or other special needs so it may not be an according to the dsm-v Master criminal but psycho therapist and psychiatrist is but it sure feels like it because we're minute by minute for many of us are blasted with k y acid with anxiety and trying to help her child just threw a day and don't have a child with such challenges it sounds like I'm being overdramatic but I'm not and I will share my own personal story because I have to young adult daughters and one does have very severe ADHD along with other special challenges so I live through this and I of the strong belief that we aren't talking about how this affects parents because spending all of our time and energy in the books that we read the someone has read gotowebinar about what do we do to help our child will what about us what are we going to what is our experience well I think there's a lot of that's attached to being open about how difficult license with a child with ADHD because we're not supposed to talk about that we're supposed to be here for my child anything for my child I have to get him or her the help she he or she needs but what about us so I think it's really important to start thinking about where are you in your in your challenges with your child and let's talk about something that we don't know play talk about yeah I want to thank you for for bringing this this conversation and bring this topic because you knows we were talking earlier this is this was the impetus for impactadhd this is why we started because what we saw I wish that there were all these resources available for kids and for adults and nobody was helping the parents and my experience as a parent I want to hear more about yours was devastating in the early years got an overstatement it was extraordinary really difficult and I I don't know that it's it's not it wasn't doesn't qualify as PTSD and I don't think that's what's important what is important is that when you are trying to do with the experts tell you you're supposed to do and it's not working and you keep trying and you're hitting your head against the wall and it's not working it can become traumatizing right absolutely as a young Younkers in my dream was becoming Mom I wanted to do a lot of other things too coarse and I did but I love children and I couldn't wait for them to come in just a second ago that was not a child with special needs a child who has ADHD + + + + + I think most of you know her history later but the devastation years of Yearning For A Child the child comes along and you cannot Coke and don't understand and you hide it and you don't talk about it and what happens when when that judged and Shay Shay absolute and it was really sad to me is that after all these years I'm so glad you're doing the work that you're doing is because parents need to hear that they're not alone and I'll talk about that later to can you do if you're feeling alone in this journey of raising a very very difficult child and the other parts of this that we don't think about or talk about is the physical we know the emotional part we will talk about it when I'm talking shinobu draining the gills with the anger you know the frustration is absolutely normal to feel angry that you have this child but do we talked about because that means what do you really love your child and you can talk like that way you know what even if your parent of a neurotypical child we have those feelings too at times when your toddler is having a tantrum or whatever your teenager is acting out but we don't talk about it now and and what happens if you start internalizing those feelings and then your likes you anxiety depression and socks problems with your marriage I don't have this is this Statistics in front of me but just in marriages are in relationships alone when there's a child with a disability are considered ADHD in a severe storm disability many the majority I believe you but my partners walk they leave a single parent to take care of this child snow is there so the kids so there's a lot more to this than just law of had a bad day like you hear from your friends you go out to the mall with their kids you have your child I've had a bad day well for us is everyday is a bad day every hour is actually have you mentioned neurotypical families the kids are kids and they can no matter whether they have ADHD or plus plus or any of the other things what kind of drive you crazy stuff what are the differences between a family with the ADHD issues of special-needs because I had kids with special needs as well and in her what's the difference in the stress level and I guess you swell when you have a kid with special needs that generally means you are taking a child to therapies tutors that's my Xperia anyway so alive and doctor to doctors for me and I and let me hear what you have to say I don't know if you were involved with this individual those are the meetings at school where you go and develop a plan and to develop strategies and goals and objectives do as best as he or she kind of school is where I got the idea PTSD because I'm going to those meetings and we had many many of those over the years and I felt sick I felt anxious I was sweating I wanted to cry I feel defeated I feel like I was pushing against a big bowl because I don't have the same strength as incomplete you know room full of these education so-called experts and I haven't type of chart that because I start off I have ADHD and one of the positives that I see in myself and other people with ADHD were two Nations we don't give up I thought my daughter every I could swear but I won't every day of her life in the educational system just that's just want to make sure that she was being treated well you have no idea unless you are in the school watching getting and that's true that is not an easy task for for anybody and especially if you have your own challenges with ADD and end time management and organization it sort of come towns the challenge when you have this kid and then you're you're having to advocate in this system which is very difficult for us I think for a lot of us would they put it that's a really good point of the parent has ADHD and you're advocating and taking care of a child with ADHD to talk about that a lot in the sessions I do at conferences when parent and child have ADHD and how difficult it is so you're absolutely right it's hard enough if you don't have those things and you're trying to push for your child but if you are sharing similar kinds of problems or whatever then it's a double whammy where I live in Michigan special education it was up to age 26 to hit 26 years and because I was a kind of parent I wasn't pushing worked hard to get my daughter what she needed we are going to had no six eyed peas and a Titan season here and Beyond there's a psychologist in those experiencing a PTSD because I was so worked up so upset night it wasn't functioning wow yeah I'm just I'm exhausted just hearing you talk about alligator bite my son just graduated from high school my youngest kid graduation most excited about above all else is that I no longer have to be mom advocate in a in a secondary school environment like I am so ready to be done with that role because you as you describe it it's exhausting but it's just it's a tax in process to be Vigilant and at as a pair of complex kids we have to be vigilant because of our other problems that we might be struggling with can't always be there for our kids and that leaves in into even or guilt feelings depression anxiety so it's a win-win here it's it's a struggle and it's ongoing my daughter is now 31 so she has like I said more than just add going on now she just moved out of our house yeah it's it's like spooky but now there's new challenges because a child at 31 is not typically develop thirty-one-year-old now she's in an apartment with that with a a roommate you receiving 24/7 support schedule at this point at least she can't be alone a very long. Of time so now I'm in the next level of oh boy here we go in the apartment not telling her it's time for your did you take your medication and all the things that I did for 31 years right doing the same thing even though Montgomery High School and for those of you watching web older kids develop and mature in and do fine but plus we have kids who need this extra support for the rest of their lives so how do we deal with it because what is not only guilt about sphere as you express when you were talking about those two women you're sure going to criticize you so there's something you know kind of protect and and I think we're very protective of our kids right we want to make sure that they are that they're happy and we don't like it when somebody doesn't like them so we're going to be the protector but we also have that that feeling of I don't want anybody else to know that I don't even like my kid right now and I'm just to the untold to the end ironing I don't want to see one more report card that says she's not doing well or she's not going to look like I've got it together even if I got the right so it's kind of things what can we do about it how do we let ourselves off the hook a little bit have to go backwards a little bit and I loaded chew this earlier but it's very important that as a parent of a child with ADHD or other challenges that we start off with the beginning which is this is not the child I had dreamed of Hope store and I think we had to get through this juice of grieving that I don't have a normal family I can't take my son or daughter to the movies he or she will act out and be disruptive or have a meltdown or whatever I think we have to start back there and I think that's a very important piece this whole thing is we have to work on ourselves to First grieve the loss of the idealized child that we had hoped for and I would highly recommend you go to therapy to work out those good because who do you talk to about this to say I wish you never had kids sometimes not what I thought I signed up for hard thing to say out loud I'll bet they were allowed to talk about we don't talk about the frustration because I don't know about you guys but for me I was always worried about being criticized because I did get criticized don't you just do this why aren't you doing that how do we get to the what kind of food what kind of drinks are you know it's because he he's drinking Kool-Aid or she's eating me you know when you are just barely above water just taking such a toll on us parents that you know that leaves into all this crumbling self-esteem and worse so I think we have to start at the beginning this with that and getting to the point of first of all yours appears one point stay away from the perfect Family Guy Grant in anybody's family we all have our struggles but those families are so drastically different from yours and have and they have no idea what you're going through and are critical or judgemental stay away trying so hard to find families who have kids like you is Chris have ADHD kids or whatever and then be drawn to those experiences in those activities did you get involved in clubs where there are kids were struggling so we have to really reframe who as parents of kids with special challenges and so I'm trying so hard to either deny that we have a problem or that we're trying so hard that we have nothing left in the support system you've got to find support I understand and can be there for you to relatives once I remember when my daughter first got six of my I'll go into the history later but after 6 months of her illness which created her special needs is this person said I'm still grieving I wasn't the kind of person that just cried all the time that's just not my type of grieving but I would talk and say you know oh my God I wouldn't leave lyrics it's been 6 months now I was going to be your child a matter what that was many years ago and I never forgot that how devastating it was to hear when you wanted to hear something like it really must be hard yeah yeah so she'll be fine people that understand you people who who want to help it was another thing I found that when my my daughter was very young nobody could deal with her behavior so I had to hire people in order to save myself and also to have time with my other child have to think about the rest of your family think about your partner your husband so I would bring people in who could handle it took two people two adults to take care of my daughter when she was quite young. I had to and I know a lot of people will say it well I can't afford a babysitter you have to find a way to get some kind of help and it could be just bartering and I'm really good with numbers I'll be your book even if you can watch my son for an hour that sort of thing you can't afford childcare don't say it why I shouldn't spend money on the mama I don't make excuses you need that help you really really need that kind of support I think it's so hard for parents to give themselves permission to ask for help right there's this sense that we you just hit it that we shouldn't particularly I like you cuz I was a stay-at-home mom for . of time as well but whether you are or not there's this sense that it's my child I should be caring for a tank I should be the one and I shouldn't need right so we should all over ourselves and and if we don't take care of ourselves it actually works against the whole family Dynamic it's like you pull a rubber band and hold it for long enough it's going to pop how to find time to spend with your other children and your husband or your partner is in statistics and yourself. Take care of yourself first but it's so true we don't do it because we're supposed to be super mom was supposed that people say to me cuz I have two kids I've had people say to me I have five six kids how come they can handle it. Well in their house they have commotion they have to do this it's so different if you have two three four five kids whatever versus one kid with specific you know special needs ADHD it's all families with five kids are doing great and some of those trust me or struggling right sometimes they're asking for help so it depends not on how many kids you got but what your circumstances are so this is the message over here will if they can do 5 kids down the block why can't you cannot question yourself what's wrong with me has ADHD to the genetic you know and it's way harder or if you have anxiety or if you have depression or whatever or if you're struggling financially there's a lot of things that happened and when you're when you're dealing with that on raising a special kid I barely made it and I think of myself as fairly well together I'm a psycho therapist I read I study I went to school for years but even under the best of circumstances it is challenged it is difficult it's okay to feel crappy about it you know it's okay to say this was a crap day and I wish I never had to live it but to get support is like a limousine finding people that standard financial support groups going to Chad Chad Chad B. Org is an organization for families and children with ADHD and adults widen their their view to include you don't challenges for adults with ADD I have groups throughout the country on almost every major city has a Chad support group go to these groups and if there's meetups we see a lot of meetups going on for parents with kids with ADD go don't don't isolate yourself suffer in silence someone ask you something I'm going to poke a little bit if you're okay with that because I'm listening to this conversation and and I and I have heard parents in my community say well you know maybe I don't need this help because my kids aren't as severe as the kids I hear other people talking about and so on the one hand you're talkin about what it is the experience of a lot of us raising really complex kids on the other hand you are talking to a somewhat extreme circumstance with your daughter who was more difficult than the average kid with ADHD I want to separate it out and dymista a little bit because what I typed out what a lump at all and say all kids with any kind of special needs issue you know it's all the same because what you are describing is more difficult scenario and yet still those of us who may not have had kids who were that severe but the Daily Grind and Tall of raising kids with ADHD bouncing off the walls are pushing back or fighting with their siblings are all of those other aspects of executive function just the typical add before you get to the to the other issues are still causing these issues so I want it I want to make sure that we're not giving the message that it's only if your child is very and packed it that this is an impact on you but really what you're saying is all of us need to attend to this more so can you speak to that clearly the second is my daughter was right let's just talk about homework if you have a kid with ADHD even if that case has a mild chances are my guess is that your time is  time in your house nephrologist their kids whose find ways to get around it and do well but for many families doing homework spending that time getting that child focus on their work at the end of the day when medication is wearing off most kids not all are on medication but a lot of professionals and parents don't realize that medication when it wears off music your child has is floating without floaties no that was ever to keep the child focus and get the check start to prevent the child from getting distracted you know this I want to do that I want to do this so I didn't even that one just one example across the board for the most part is a very difficult challenging time for any family with a kid with a let's just want to talk about friendships social social interactions a lot of these kids don't fit in there a little quirky often not always but offered a little party they might have a hard time controlling and behaviors may be a little impulsive or conversely to have a kid with a Chance of ADHD may come off as being a snob as a matter of fact just quote something that I've never spoke about before and all these years is when I was a kid it was Middle School somebody said to me it's not just you don't talk to anymore cuz you don't you don't you don't work do stuff with us you can send your own little world because you think you're better than me never dawned on me and you know until much later when I understood my own ADHD but that's how I did come off very tiny example I didn't have some severe ADHD so if you put all these pieces together for the so-called typical ADHD. There are a lot of obstacles to that kids face in space not being able to go to certain kinds of events because you know your kid will have a meltdown over stimulation is very, which is a baby to the to the fair because too much noise too much sound too much this time it doesn't become a fun outing so you don't take the child or and this is what I see a lot we force a child to go even though that child is uncomfortable unhappy and then ruins it for the rest of the family and everybody and that push it becomes a Target it's all your fault because in reality I listening to why are we focusing in on well what is easy for her or him to do versus what is better to withdraw from we want so hard for our families to fit in that model of the perfect family whatever that is I push push in the bush and I can share that we talked about before we went about my two young kids and my older daughter was a very hyperactive youngster she doesn't have any issue just very high-spirited extremely bright and very very busy so one day I took both of my kids I'll be under one is the one with special needs who is off the charts hyperactive-impulsive I want your dinner by myself which was very brave of me outside add to the route to the right and we was a table of two elderly women in there staring at us because I am on kid on the table know the kid was stealing your food my special needs kid couldn't sit in a chair she was always falling she was so hyper and she would fall off a chair and I have to retrieve her and keep her in the chair and go after her something on my God she's there and she's staring she's going to come over here when she lie she would have to pass my table and tell him to something really horrible so finally finished their meal and she's walking the two ladies are walking in the come-up 2 release date are both of your kids left handed I felt I was being judged and at what a crappy mother I was help a poorly I was teaching my children you know how to behave until how terrible they were whatever and it was as simple as that the stories we tell ourselves or so we took her out for dinner cuz I know she couldn't handle it and she would be miserable we'd be miserable once and we took her out for dinner and another elderly they they where they came right up to me and I said what is wrong with your daughter she can't sit down she's throwing for she's too and to be honest I took my hand and I was ready to show I'm tall I'm like 5 days this little lady was probably for 11 and I was so close because you know your motherly instincts mama bear takes over yeah yeah and she was about to touch to did actually touch my sheet at my daughter on the back of my head and I went where and my husband and I walked away but I was so angry but it's at least 18 years and years for your son or 31 years of my daughter of these these things that happened on a daily basis sometimes well you know it adds up and it creates a lot of tension within the family and all the things we talked about earlier sorry I missed your call really jumps at me is you know we all give lip service to self care right we talked about self-care we talked about the importance of self-care Linda does Retreats on self-care and really creates an environment for people to actually take care of themselves and I mean you do online work with him that we all create an environment to support parents and encourage parents and and adults to engage in self-care and yet there's this way in which were always justifying it so I think what I want us to close with this is this message is around like how we battled the shame self-care so that we can give ourselves permission to do what we really need to take care of ourselves I think Society just expects parents to focus on their kids and we're not allowed to focus on ourselves as a society in my opinion and I think that there is no way out you have to take care of yourself you really do in my and in my case what I do now and I have for the last five or six years has every year I go away all day myself for five days just because I get that the most Anonymous place in the world yet you can just walk into a crowd nobody knows who you are where you are and just going to the wave of people that's the greatest that even better than a vision I might start ruminating David I remember to do this and this. They need me just you need me that you need me but when you're in a place like we argue every week when the weather I live in Michigan so we have pretty lousy with her for most of the year but I jog whenever the weather allows me to check we have to take care of us otherwise we're going to hurt ourselves and their study after study that shows what stress can do to your psyche what it can do to your health even cancer been talking about cancer heart disease. John ratey talks a lot about exercise and how important it is for our health so we have to get over and then it goes again back to first acknowledging the problem accepting the problem problem solving Working Hands on with a child but then taking care of ourselves has to be part of the equation letting go of the guilt it wasn't you that the problem this is just life no life happens and life can be difficult at times as a parent especially love an add kid so take a step back and take a deep breath and say I deserve some time play I deserve a yoga class I deserve to take an art class or whatever it is you need bringing a babysitter in once a week or in my case I had someone in 3 days a week just to be able to function so all that because you don't have a choice whatever that is but if you have a child with ADHD Daiquiri it is not a typical kind of environment so what I'm hearing is that as parents we also need to forgive ourselves and this year we need to be gentle with ourselves and sometimes it's really hard to do I so appreciate your your real life examples of that Terry because that brings it really brings it home to me at least and when you mentioned the IP I just felt myself filling up with that again especially the video that he didn't mean to is going so right it's right there and when I'm hearing is it you made space in your life and you're helping other parents do the same thing for themselves and the end of guilt and shame can be put aside even if only temporarily at least we don't have to carry it all the time and I know her way all the time I'm so sorry I would just taking lots of your time and we just doing it because we love talking to you but is there anything that you want to say to Alexa what kind of finish up here so that we can say goodbye the pterion regretfully and well I asked you said a lot of what I would say like over Shame of the feeling did you have about your child and the feelings that you have about you as a parent you are doing your best you really are you may not think you are but you you you you stayed in it you didn't walk away you didn't just close the door or hire someone to I'll take your child away for you. They're our parents that do that they just push them away you were in the hot seat and you're doing everything you possibly can and you must take care of yourself to get through some of your more difficult days but also cheap raised yourself all the work that you have done for your child because nobody but you understand how much of your energy time and love is been put into your you're very challenging chicken it doesn't have to be a super challenging kid it has just ADHD kid is doing well in a lot of areas it's still hard it's still hard so give yourself a pat on the back I like that I think what I wanted clothes with Lynn if it's okay as is is to remember that but it's going to happen again and again right and that you're going to have to get you you go through the denial and you go through the acceptance and then you go through the the self care and you take care of it and then something else happens reminds you that you don't have a typical family or that you don't have to answer that something is not you're not hitting the same Milestones as everybody else and it happens again and again as your kids go through and as their peers go through your friends kids go through these different milestones and so yeah just cuz you think you've got it and you managed it if it comes up again and you feel that guilt or shame or judgment or whatever understand that's part of the process and and allow yourself give permission to take breast you know take the retreat and and do it again because this it it's an ongoing process in it it takes it takes as you say tenacity to stick with I'm part of that tenacity is taking care of ourselves that note I'm going to take care of myself and I hope the same for you and for all of our audiences well thank you so much. It's just always a delight to be with you again you know repeat what it went over so glad that we talked about this particular topic here there's no better way for parents to remember oh yeah there's meet here too so thank you. Thank you for your examples thank you for your for your work with women and with kit and with family and Elaine is there anything that you want to say before we go thanks for being here everybody see you next time and thanks again t r e a t h e parents Palooza is a production of the add been Network in partnership with impactadhd where is our mission to put the sparkle back in the lives of ADHD families everywhere

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